THE STORYBOARD CALLED LIFE

Love Stories – Chapter 3: Ludus

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Cover art by Katrina Nash of Yours Truly. Check out her work on Facebook and Instagram!

Hello! Welcome! If it’s your first time here, my name is Candice and I write blogs. But lately, other people have been writing for me for this series called Love Stories. The first post is here, then here, here and here. The series will be continuing for another few weeks, let me know what you think! 


Ludus

When I first read it in passing, I thought Ludus was a playful kind of love like I imagine Chrissy Teigen and John Legend, or Chris Pratt and Ana Faris have. However, when I researched a bit more it’s actually more of a game-playing and manipulative kind of love that doesn’t really sound like love. It means “the game” in Latin #donthatetheplayer #Hatethegame

It’s about lack of commitment and is usually attributed to young lovers or children. Ludus is the flirtatious love that finds people at bars. Ludus is the guy still on Tinder even when he’s in a relationship. Ludus is the guy you flirt with at work and accidentally make out with at the Christmas party. Dancing with strangers, almost a playful substitute for sex. Ludus wants as much fun as possible and sees marriage as a trap.

To me it seems that Ludus isn’t love, actually. It is a shadow of love, masquerading in its attraction, playfulness and excitement. Maybe there is a place for Ludus in your youth, when you don’t know what you want or are trying to navigate feelings and desires. Or maybe it’s the early stages of a relationship where you flirt and still hold your cards close to your chest. But Ludus can’t be forever. You can’t forever be the girl that manipulates guys to get something, or the f*** boy that is stringing along multiple women. I think it’s closely related to Eros, but rather than the attraction to the person like in Eros, it’s attraction to the thrill in Ludus.

I’m not here to tell you how to live your life, but if you’re the manipulator with someone that wants something real, mate go find someone else who wants the same thing that you do. If you’re in one of these type of relationships, or being manipulated and you don’t want to be, it’s time to talk, leave or re-evaluate. You deserve someone who wants to have a proper go like you do.

Good luck, lovers.


Strangers

It was fun while it lasted. We got to know what the other liked after we explored each other’s body intimately. You received a message or a phone call to come over or meet at a certain place, and no one else knew what you were up to. It was as if the mystery behind it made it mischievous and dangerous, but subconsciously it might have been the fact that you were needed and that they enjoyed you and your company.

We weren’t clear at the start about what we wanted, and maybe that’s where we went wrong. I wonder if we were clearer at the beginning, would we still have been friends with benefits, and still be great friends today. She wanted something more, and I wasn’t sure I was ready. Back then I was conflicted, do I want to be single or do I want to be in a relationship? In the end, I couldn’t see a future with her.

We drifted apart and became strangers just like the people we walk past on the street every day.

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The Avengers

We started talking online – good Ol’ MSN Messenger! He was really annoying at first but somehow, we got to talking more and more. I don’t recall when it happened or why it happened, but I had fallen for him. Hard. I told him how I felt in hopes that maybe he would feel the same. I guess that’s where you could say he began to play the game. He became Mr. Hard-to-Get. For the sake of keeping up, let’s call him Loki.

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I continued to talk to him because I just couldn’t resist. We got along so well and we talked about anything and everything. Maybe if he talked to me on a daily basis, he’d start to fall for me as well? It’s all I could hope for.

As months moved forward, even though we were hooking up, I still felt as though he didn’t really have any sort of feelings for me because he still had not said those three simple words. I . LIKE . YOU (HOW EASY WAS I?! I didn’t even need love, all I wanted was the Like) * insert Facebook thumbs up*

 So I gave up. I continued to speak to him but also became open to talking to other guys. Loki didn’t like what was going on. He didn’t like that I was talking to this one particular guy and he would get real mad at me whenever I mentioned this guy.

It’s probably at this point where my heart started doing somersaults because I realised that Loki more than likely DID have feelings for me, he just wasn’t admitting it. So I continued speaking with him and him only. My attention and focus was solely for him. It went on like this for ages, purely being friends (with the occasional benefits). For a while I didn’t care because I really liked this guy but it wasn’t long before I really longed for the label. I wanted to be his girlfriend.

 I remember the day it finally came. He asked me and I remember feeling like this was the only dream I had and it was finally coming true. From then on we had a normal relationship with its ups and downs. Looking back on it now, there were more downs than ups. My friends thought I deserved better but I was completely blind. This guy was everything I thought I wanted and I fell in love. I fell in love with the idea of us growing old together, having kids and being together forever.

 Until it all came to an end. During one of the most stressful times of my life (or what I thought was back then) I was forced to break up with Loki. It was the hardest thing I had to do.

But I didn’t want it to end… so I didn’t let it. We basically continued our relationship without the status. Without that oh-so-important label. Surprise surprise, he was the one not sure of putting that label on us. And what did that mean for him? Yup. He was single… but was able to enjoy my company because I wasn’t leaving him yet. I was in love with him… and he knew.

3 years later, still in love with no confession of love back, I decided I needed to move on and so I did. As did he. It was a very painful time for me but I finally moved on. I finally met someone I really liked, someone I thought I could see myself with. Let’s call him Thor. I fell for this guy too! But clearly not as hard because Loki was still in the picture. Why?!

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I was still in love. And I fell back into my vulnerable state – maybe if we continued to talk, he’d fall for me again?! Maybe even realise he loves me too?

As months moved forward again, even though we were continually hooking up, there was still no confession of love. At this point, I was still getting along really well with Thor but I really wanted to see whether things with Loki would work out.

 The night I decided this game would end was when we shared our last night together. It was the same night he told me he had already slept with a girl he was talking to. He said he felt bad and I thought he was a monster. I remember I felt cheated. How could he be sleeping with someone else when he’s been sleeping with me? Back then (when I believed in giving your hooha to someone you love) it didn’t make sense. Why was I being treated like this when all I ever did was love this guy and give him everything?!

That night I went off crying and immediately called Thor. I told him what had happened but I don’t know why I told him. Here was a perfectly nice guy who I actually really liked, and here I am confessing I’ve been seeing someone else while we’ve been getting to know each other.

I eventually fell out of love with Loki and fell really hard for Thor. But nothing became of it. Maybe there wasn’t really anything there, maybe it wasn’t the right time. Maybe we weren’t game enough to see what could happen.

Looking back on it now as I write this though… Maybe I didn’t deserve him after what I did that night I called him. I was so busy playing the victim I didn’t realise I was also playing the game.

These experiences taught me about love and what I wanted and after awhile I opened myself up to finding the right relationship. I steered clear of guys who played the game and made sure I never did it either. I made my intentions and my feelings clear and because of this, I found the love of my life.
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I realised when I didn’t expect to be loved in return. Also, she likes 808’s and Heartbreak. No one likes that album. 


ICYMI: We teamed up with TIH for a competition. See the details here


Preview: Would we still be close friends? Would you be living in Australia? Who would you have a crush on? Will we still be the same size so we can borrow each other’s clothes? Do you prefer Red or White? Just mediocre things that are generally taken for granted but I just want to know, you know?

Tiger Lily by Katrina Nash of  Yours Truly

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Written by Candice

May 17, 2017 at 2:55 pm

Posted in Love Stories

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